Everyone can relate to what it feels like to be "stressed out." You probably have heard yourself say just that or that your nerves feel shot and you just can't handle anything else. We get bombarded with daily stressors that we can't avoid and feel like they ruin our day or feel almost impossible to handle. For example, when we are running late for that Monday morning meeting with the boss and we get caught in traffic, we have bills pilling up, etc. Stressors can present themselves in so many different forms. Here is a brief list of examples and how we might categorize them:
- Social stressors: Noise, crowding, physical safety and comfort of one’s surroundings, traffic, deadlines, financial / legal problems, disagreements, conflict, etc.
- Psychological stressors: Anxiety, worry, etc.
- Psychosocial stressors: Death of a family member, spouse, or friend; divorce or separation; birth or loss of a child; etc.
- Biochemical / environmental / physiological stressors: The weather (heat, cold, and humidity), injury / pain, illness / disease, pollutants, aging, accidents, lack of exercise, poor nutrition, menopause, sleep disturbance, etc.
- Philosophical stressors: Value system conflict; lack of purpose, meaning, or direction in life; etc.
- Work stressors: Loss or threat of loss of job; conflict with boss or co-workers; retirement (voluntary or involuntary); feeling overwhelmed by work demands and / or working long hours; feeling underwhelmed, bored, and unchallenged by not having enough work to do; having little work structure, challenge, or direction from superiors; feeling undervalued or unappreciated; lack of privacy; poor lighting, etc.
You may not necessarily know what the definition of a stressor is, but you surely recognize that at times they feel like they are getting the best of you. Some days we feel like we just want to fight with the world or pull the cover our heads and hibernate. So exactly how do we define a stressor? A quick definition of a stressor is this: Any factor or event that elicits a state of stress. Most people don't realize however is that stressors can be perceived as being good (eustress) or bad (distress). Good stressors are perceived as positive, life enhancing, and motivating. They are thought to improve one's quality of life. For example, job promotion, wedding between two people in love, birth of a child, etc. Bad stressors are perceived to be negative, feel threatening, detrimental, and demotivating. They feel like they diminish quality of life. Contrasting with the previous examples, they may be taking on additional job demands, wanting to be a runaway bride or groom before saying "I do," or the stress of becoming a new parent.
With the examples just illustrated, can you see that they really are the same stressors, but viewed quite differently? Additionally, stressors can be real or imagined. It can feel like the sky is going to come crashing down around us even though it hasn't or the dreaded feeling you are going to get into another car accident immediately after actually being involved in one. Ultimately, it is the individual's perception, attitude, and beliefs that invariably impact the experience of stressors in a positive or negative way. This is what is called the "Stress Response" otherwise known as "Fight-or-Flight," which is the body’s innate response to stress by either confronting or avoiding the stressor experienced. The changes in your body that constitute the fight-or-flight response (although some individuals freeze and become immobilized) are meant to be a temporary overdrive system for meeting the challenge of a real threat or danger. Now this is a great survival mechanism when we are truly faced with an emergency situation, but oftentimes we tend to react as if everything is a threat or emergency. I won’t bore you with a lesson in psychophysiology here, but ultimately we go from an initial state (which I tend to refer to as "911") to a state where the body is attempting to return back to a previous level of homeostasis (i.e., the body's internal state of balance or imbalance) to an exhaustion state. When we find ourselves distressed and in stress exhaustion, we can experience this exhaustion in so many different ways.
Distress leads to dis-ease ultimately leading to maladaptation and possibly sickness, disease, or even death. For example, that initial glass of wine in the evening after work turns into drinking a fifth of vodka in the morning before work, countless sleepless nights due to tossing, turning, and worrying all night about things, becoming sick more often due to a diminished immune system, experiencing a stress-induced heart attack, etc. Additionally, stress exhaustion can impact so many different areas of our lives . . . physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and negatively place strain on our relationships with family, partners, friends, and other significant others.So, the question is, how do we take better care of ourselves when faced with inevitable stressors? Great question and certainly easier said than done. However, here are some quick tips to consider:
- Find time to incorporate play, leisure, and recreation in your life.
- Look at areas of your life where you feel out of balance and what stressors you may be able to reduce or eliminate in your life.
- Practice mindful, in-the-moment living rather than focusing on perceived failures or fear of the future and the unknown.
- Consider learning and practicing meditation or yoga. Begin to engage and maintain some regular and moderate exercise program.
- Remain productive in work and daily responsibilities and find value in the work you do.
- Spend time with people you care about and who care about you.
- Practice good health habits such as keeping reasonable sleep / wake times.
- Find ways to create more purpose, meaning, and direction in your life.
- Practice an attitude of gratitude each morning when you wake up, throughout the day, and in the evenings before bed.
Again, much easier said than done. However, just get started. Don’t give yourself excuses to not make your health and well-being a top priority. You’ll feel more empowered and in control as a result.
As a therapist, I am a firm believer that awareness is the first step to change. As I oftentimes tell clients, we do not learn by luck or being struck by lightening. We do however learn through experience and observation. I'm not speaking of casual experiences and haphazard observations, but the gritty, get-your-hands-dirty, dig-down deep, here-and-now, present-centered, moment-by-moment kind.
Unfortunately, we tend to go about our daily lives treating our experiences with a bit of disregard and our relationships with significant others for granted. Quite frankly, we lose sight of the bigger picture and what we still have in our lives as well as the little things that make our experiences richer, more vibrant, and more alive. We tend to neglect being fully present in our daily tasks, responsibilities, and interactions with others. We tend to fret over things in the past including past mistakes and regrets and old past wounds. Additionally, we tend to live too far in the future, anticipating preconceived disappointments and our worlds falling apart. When we live in the past or present, it is impossible to appreciate this very moment in time.
However, when we become more aware, we can appreciate the nuts and bolts of daily life and are better equipped to find value in such experiences. It helps us to get more in touch and in tune with ourselves as well as more in touch and in tune with those around us. It helps us to discover greater meaning, purpose, and direction in our lives. It helps us to appreciate others and value our relationships with them, even when they are not "perfect." For example, when is the last time you really stopped to smell the roses? Not just figuratively, but literally. Try it and you'll see what I mean. Really study the color, texture, and wonderful smell the rose embodies and evokes. Your thoughts will slow down, your worries will melt away, your heart will begin to beat more slowly, your blood pressure will lower, your muscles will begin to relax, and you will begin to appreciate THAT very moment you just experienced, even when there are still stressors and conflict in your life. As insignificant as that may sound, trust me, just try it. Seize that moment, take that opportunity, and appreciate everything about the experience. And if you prick your finger on a thorn, find the value in it as well and don't worry or fret about it. Don't discount the positive moment you just experienced. YOU are the one smelling the rose while everyone else around you is rushing about their day mindlessly (i.e., without any awareness other than the rush and crazy stress-inducing effect of life's demands). And, without awareness, you essentially willingly neglect what you can learn and grow from in those here-and-now experiences, both good and bad.
So the lesson here is simple in concept, but can be certainly challenging to implement. However, even if you are aware 50% more in your life, that is better than being completely going about life mindlessly and haphazardly. Again, awareness is the first step to change and is indeed an opportunity to grow and change. Get in better touch with yourself, your experiences, and those around you. Check out your attitude and perceptions about yourself, others, and the world around you. Stop just existing and going through the motions and begin to really live your life in this very moment. And go beyond this to do the same in your roles, responsibilities, and relationships you may have previously neglected, been frustrated with, and / or taken for granted.So stop and smell the roses and seize the little moments in life when they present themselves to you. You'll appreciate the fact that you did.
I recently asked on my Wake Forest Mind and Health Facebook fan page the following question: "Which of the following do you believe are the greatest predictors of divorce?" Sixteen individuals answered the poll. Seven people said that "withdrawing from your partner" is the greatest predictor of divorce while 3 people said "being critical of one another," and 1 person answered "contempt towards your partner." No one selected "acting defensive when there is conflict" and 5 selected "all of the above."
In my work with couples, I find that when they first come in they clearly demonstrate ALL of these behaviors towards one another. They sit on opposite sides of the couch as if they can't get far enough away from each other, but are at least present together for the session. They are critical of one another and defensive and often make blaming / victim statements at the beginning of couples therapy such as "you always," "you never," etc. instead of sharing responsibility for the problems in their marriage. When there is a perceived victim, there is a perceived persecutor and both partners seem to trade these 2 roles with one another often and frequently. After all, it does take 2 to tango, right? Both partners have choice in how they respond and react to one another. Both can either approach their problems in their relationship as if they are 2 children fighting on the playground or like 2 reasonable adults trying to help each other feel comforted, understood, and supported. When they engage in these behaviors, contempt for another becomes so apparent in their relationship. They resent each other and there is some regret as well. Expectations are often set too high where the other partner is bound to fail. You probably have heard that expectations (especially unreasonable and unrealistic ones) are simply just premeditated resentments. And we all have probably been guilty of this at one time or another in our partner relationships.
John Gottman, PhD of the Gottman Relationship Institute who is a well-respected researcher and national presenter on marriage, describes the above possible answer choices in this poll as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." In Dr. Gottman's research, he found that contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce. Not at all surprising to me, especially in my work with couples when they arrive together for their first session.
Unfortunately, not every couple can mend and heal their relationship. Divorce is inevitable for some, especially when one already decided that they want out of the relationship. However, it's a joy as a therapist to see the contempt for one another fade into support, respect, compassion, tenderness, and understanding towards one another. Their body language changes and they gradually start sitting closer together on the couch. Scowls, words, and tone shift and soften. They trade their verbal barbs and defensive posture for attention, appreciation, and affection. Dr. Gottman suggests that couples should work on providing 5 positives (e.g., "I really appreciate you putting the kids toys away," "Thank you for surprising me with . . .") to every negative expressed towards their partner.
I also tell each partner to stop using absolutistic "You" statements such as I mentioned above and oftentimes have to coach them in their communication towards each other. Both partners start taking responsibility not just for their issues and inevitable conflict, but also for the positive that becomes more evident in their work in and outside of session. They realize that, despite conflict which is inevitable, realistic, and even healthy, that their thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes shape their perception of one another. I frequently tell clients that life is 10% reality. It's the other 90% how we perceive it to be which directly relates to our attitude. No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. Infatuation fades after approximately a year and the real love, honesty, and vulnerability with each other can begin. Both partners need to not only feel physically safe, but emotionally safe as well.
For more information, check out Dr. Gottman, his work, and couples workshops at http://www.gottman.com/.
