Resiliency in the Face of Adversity

Wow, with the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, November and December flew right by. So, I am obviously a bit behind in my monthly blog posts. However, as I reflect on the New Year and blog topics I want to share with you, I have been thinking a lot about writing about factors I believe are essential in developing greater resiliency to life, work, and relationships. Helping clients develop greater resiliency in their personal lives, work, and relationships is quite fundamental in my work as a therapist.

I was actually just talking about resiliency yesterday with a client who has had a few significant challenges she has had to face over the past few years. We talked about the 3 bouts of depression she experienced with each major event. The first bout was pretty intense and debilitating. I used the following metaphor with her that she to which she could really relate:

• The first bout of depression she fell into was like a major hole. She knew what the major stressor was, but she did not recognize at the time how she got there or even how to climb out of it.
• When the second depressive episode occurred, she once again fell into the hole, but the hole this time around was a bit smaller. That is, she was at least able to recognize how she fell into her depression, but still struggled with knowing how to get out of it.
• With this last bout, again not as intense or severe as the previous two episodes, she was able to recognize not only how she fell into it, but also through our work together how to help herself climb out of it. I refer to this as “When you fall into a hole, throw yourself a lifeline and climb out of it.” She continues to deal with some ongoing depressive symptoms, but she recognizes how much stronger and more resilient she has become which helps her to feel empowered and in control . . . In control not necessarily of the event itself, but her response to it.

Here are the main ingredients I believe are absolutely key in developing greater resiliency when facing life challenges and difficulties:

1. The event itself. Believe it or not, we actually need some stress in our lives as we don't grow by doing easy things and being unchallenged in our lives. You may not have asked for the situation you are facing, but it is a fact and a reality.
2. View the event as a challenge and an opportunity for growth, not a barrier.
3. Not believing yourself to be a victim even if you may have actually been "victimized" by the event or by others. Hold onto any ounce of hope you have about making it through and trust that you are stronger than your fear or hurt!
4. Work hard at being more in the here-and-now to help you be fully present and engaged. When we focus on negativistic beliefs, old wounds, and hurts or fear of the future or of failure, we fail to see the opportunities we have in front of us to be empowered and to grow.
5. Focus on and reinforce "I can" and "I will" statements rather than "I can't" or "I'm too scared or too _______" messages. Believe in your ability to not only survive the event, but to thrive and grow from it. Saying "I can't" simply and ultimately means "I won't."
6. Focus on finding and creating solutions and strategies and not on the problem itself. When we focus on solutions and strategies, we can answer more of the question “How” as it helps us take responsibility for how we feel and how we handle the situation and to be more proactive, adaptive, and engaged. When we focus more on the problem and questions of “Why,” we tend to become paralyzed, disempowered, and reactive. Asking oneself the question “What can I do to help myself overcome and grow from this experience?” is far more empowering than asking the question “Why did this happen to me?”
7. Implement good self-care and healthy, adaptive coping techniques to help mitigate and manage the effect of stress experienced. 
8. Practice patience with yourself as you implement the coping and problem-solving tools you need to get to the other side, persistence as you work to get there, and perseverance even when you feel you have taken a few steps backwards.

Regardless of whether or not you want to give up or feel frustrated, hurt, scared, discouraged, or disappointed, never give up hope. Hope is yours and no one can take that away from you. No matter what, hold your head up, shoulders back, eyes focused, be present and engaged, and take on the day or the challenge faced. With each new day and with each new challenge, there is opportunity, whether it is an opportunity to practice patience and compassion towards ourselves and others or anything else that can help us to grow and become more adaptive and resilient in our lives. And in the immortal words of others who have traveled the road before us:

• “When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
• “If you are going through hell, keep going.” ~ Winston Churchill
• “Energy and persistence conquer all things.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
• “It always seems impossible until it’s done.” ~ Nelson Mandela
• “Never, never, never, never give up.” ~ Winston Churchill

Facing Fear Isn't Just for Halloween

For this month's blog, on this Halloween, it seems apropos to ask the following question . . . Why is it that we love to be scared at Halloween, but want to avoid what scares us the rest of the year? We go to haunted houses, we watch scary movies, and tell horror stories because, at this time of the year, it's "fun." However, what about inviting and encouraging an honest and diligent examination of the fears we face on a daily basis?

Fear can be defined as an emotion that is triggered by some perceived threat, whether real or imagined, whereby we either want to fight, run, or freeze in our tracks. I won't go into detail here regarding specific phobias and avoidant behaviors like being afraid of spiders or snakes, but we tend to shy away from many different things in life that cause us stress, anxiety, and fear.

As a human being and as a clinician, I believe that everything is an opportunity for growth and we grow by facing what scares us. Regardless if it's fear of the unknown or the future, fear of failure, fear of relationship loss or being abandoned, fear of being judged or evaluated, fear of home or work responsibilities, fear of loss of control . . . fear is fear. Although there may be some validity to the feeling of fear itself, a lot of it relates to our thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and perceptions of whatever is being faced by the individual. It is between the ears and felt viscerally throughout our bodies.

I remember as a kid at Camp Hanes, a summer YMCA camp at the base of Sauratown Mountain in NC, our camp director Glenn took us on a hike to the top of mountain. I loved to hike as a kid and hiking to the top of the mountain was one of my favorite things to do at Camp Hanes. I remember the first time I went on that annual summer hike, I was 11 years old and the rest of the campers also climbed the top of the mountain overlook tower which was a number of stories high and made entirely of wood. Climbing the tower with the rest of the campers was extremely frightening to me at first glance and my biggest fear, the fear of heights, had become so clearly and painfully apparent to me at that moment.

All the other kids bound up the tower as if they had done it a thousand times before like it was a piece of cake. However, I was the last kid left standing on flat, safe, lonely ground. I remember initially feeling too scared to climb the tower and I started out by telling myself that I couldn't do it. I believed I was too weak and felt too afraid to make that climb. However, I also could hear in the back of my mind my father's voice, encouraging and cheering me on, telling me that I could do it. My father has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders and coaches in life. Hearing internally his voice of encouragement, I began by putting one foot on the first step and already started to hyperventilate. I didn't let myself chicken out though and I was determined to conquer that tower and my fear that day. I slowly made the climb, but had to stop several times along the way . . . legs trembling, hands sweaty, breathing rapid and shallow, mind racing, almost blinded by fear. I finally made it to the top of the tower. At 11 years old I was standing on top of a tall, wooden, multi-story overlook tower looking out on this magnificent view of the mountain and looking down below of my beloved Camp Hanes. It seemed like it took forever to get up to the top of the tower and I most certainly was the very last kid to make it to the top landing. However, I did it. If I didn't face my fear of heights head on that day, it would have taken me longer to conquer my fear and I wouldn't have been able to experience that wonderful view of the mountain range only experienced by other tower climbers, birds, and hang gliders. In fact, perhaps if I hadn't made the conscious choice to face my fear of heights that day, I would have continued to talk myself into other missed opportunities in my youth and young adult. Even as a therapist, there are still some things that scare me. However, since that fateful day, I have faced many other fears I have had to encounter in life, and actively work on seeing those challenges as opportunities for growth. 

As you may be able to tell by now, as a human being and therapist, regardless of what we face in life, I truly believe that anything and everything in life that may illicit a state of fear or anxiety is an opportunity for growth. Although we may actually be a victim or innocent bystander to situations faced, we have the choice to exist in life as victims to circumstances faced or we can meet them squarely on so that we can live and thrive despite them and because of them. It is in our power to accept that challenge and to see those times as a choice and opportunity to get out of our comfort zone and grow. Whether it's the fear of public speaking, intimacy, conflict, roller coaster rides, climbing wooden multi-story mountain overlook towers, or anything else, we choose in that moment to either face it head on or avoid it all together. 

Much of facing or avoiding our fears has so much to do with what is between our ears . . . our thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and perceptions to it. We have become conditioned to either respond assertively and proactively or to react with fear by running, avoiding, or freezing. We learn how to respond or react by the rules and rules we are taught by our parents, caregivers, friends, and other significant forces and we tend to reindoctrinate those beliefs and rules into our adulthood, even the faulty ones. If you believe you can't face something scary or challenging, you won't. If you are afraid you are going to fail at something, you may be so paralyzed by the fear that you inadvertently create what you may have heard as being a "self-fulfilling prophecy." There is intentionality behind our thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and perceptions. If you believe you can do something, you will be more likely and better equipped to conquer it. Positivity goes a long way, but negativity stops us in our tracks. I have heard it said once before that optimists are twice as likely to look for the horizon and pessimists give up because they continue to operate that the horizon doesn't exist or is too difficult to find. 

Remember, as you have read before in my previous blog posts, fear and courage are two sides of the same coin. One cannot exist without the other. In order to appreciate courage, we must appreciate our fears and face them directly, backed by the belief and conviction that we can overcome them . . . One step at a time in this precious moment. Trust that you can face your fears and work to see challenges faced in life as opportunities for growth. Even if you can't change some things about the situation you may be facing, you do have the power to manage your reaction to the stressor rather than letting the fear get the best of you.

Until next month . . . Happy Halloween and best wishes for good scares, personal growth, peace of mind, and good health.

Break the Blame Game Cycle

Vince Lombardi, former coach of the Green Bay Packers, once said "It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.” We get knocked down a lot in life, but have the tenancy to skirt responsibility for how we react to conflict with others and blame them for how we feel and how we react. We blame co-workers, the boss, parents, our spouse or significant other, etc. for "ruining" our day. We also have the nasty tendency to speculate and make assumptions about the intentions of others and anticipate when they are going to "wrong" or hurt us next. We tend to approach life with a victim mentality instead understanding that we have choice in and responsibility for how we respond and react. We wear our wounds and fears on our sleeves and let it dictate our life and relationships. We let our ego, pride, fear, and hurt get in the way and either lash out at others or withdraw from them. As a result of constantly seeking the acceptance or approval of others and the fear of being punished, rejected, or abandoned, we lose ourselves and chasms get formed in our important personal and work relationships.

In our relationships, whether they be work or personal, we need to take the ego or "I" out of it and approach our relationships in the "we" instead. We need to put down the battle axes and stop the "I'm right, you're wrong" blame game and connect more on a "I'm human, you're human, and we are imperfect but okay" level. When in conflict, it's important that we work at seeking to understand what go triggered not just inside you, but also inside the other person. Talk about feelings instead of the problem. Focus on strategies to help create more win-win situations. Also, take responsibility for your reaction to conflict and stressful events and work to be more assertive within yourself and with others. Being assertive is basically stating your wants and needs in a way that does not intentionally steps on the toes of others. It’s about being proactive and not reactive and being able to look back down the road without regret regarding how you responded to the situation and to others.

Get out of the box and chose hope and love over hurt, fear, and anger. This includes love of self and of others. Hope and love have no boundaries whereas fear, despair, and anger, although seemingly comfortable or familiar, keep you stuck. Try not to place labels on yourself or on others and work hard at not blaming and admonishing others for your emotional reaction to things or divert responsibility in how your respond. And certainly don’t do things just to please others. And learn that it is okay to say “no” occasionally. People who fail to do so oftentimes compromise their values and end up feeling taken advantage of and unappreciated which leads to feelings of resentment and regret. Set reasonable expectations for yourself and others. And be more compassionate towards yourself and others when you feel disappointed.

Practice patience, tolerance, forgiveness, and acceptance of yourself and of others. And learn to forgive others when you feel they have wronged you. Also, learn to let go of things that are beyond your control. And, if something seems “broken” or beyond your control, do what you can about it, make peace with it, accept it, and move on. Letting go is also important if you chose to remain in situations or relationships which are frustrating to you. Only you have control over how you feel and cope with difficult situations. Only you are responsible for your own happiness.

Here are some other important reminders when it comes to dealing with conflict and living your life and relationships more assertively:

1. Be a productive, contributing member of your household. Learn to ask for help when you need it and to delegate to others when appropriate.
2. Practice an attitude of gratitude toward others and be giving of yourself, time, and energy to others.
3. Help to empower yourself by being your own best cheerleader and coach when times are tough and you feel alone, misunderstood, unaccepted, or unappreciated.
4. Have the courage to grow and change and fall in love with the change.
5. Attention, appreciation, acceptance, and affection go a long way. Be the first to give them and do so “just because.” You never know how the gift of “you” and being “present” with others might help heal old emotional wounds and improve the quality of your relationships.
6. Enthusiasm goes a long way and is very contagious. But don’t wait for others to exhibit it. Start with yourself, be the “change agent,” and maybe others will catch on and share in your enthusiasm.
7. Broadening your resources and support system is a life-long process. Don’t limit yourself with perceived minimal resources. Create as many choices and opportunities for yourself as possible. Allow yourself to connect with others, improve old relationships that can be mended and develop new meaningful connections with others.
8. Practice good self-care and nurture what is important to you and helps you to feel productive and provide meaning, connection, and direction in your life. Individuals who feel good about themselves tend to be more forgiving, more compassionate, more tolerant, more accepting, less negative, and less angry towards life and others.

So to follow along in the great words of Vince Lombardi, even when you feel you get knocked down in life and in your relationships, get back up, brush yourself off, make a conscious decision to not play the blame game, and take charge and responsibility for your emotional well-being. Be good to yourself and others.

To Find Yourself, Think for Yourself

"To Find Yourself, Think for Yourself" says the fortune cookie message I received today at lunch. Although it may just be a fortune cookie message, I have always appreciated some of the little life reminders and encouraging statements they may hold for the individual "fortunate" enough to get such a positive message. 


For today's message, I thought about the many clients I have counseled and coached over the years. As we all tend to struggle living life assertively, we human beings have a bad habit of placing too much importance on the opinions of others at our own expense, individuality, autonomy, growth, and development. Although it is important to consider the feelings of others so as to not intentionally step on their toes or be unfair to them, we sometimes concede to their unreasonable and unrealistic demands resulting in sacrificing our needs and dreams. When we do this, we inevitably create a win-lose or lose-lose situation. Either they win and we lose or both of us end up losing in the end. When we concede, we give our power over to them. 


Here are some suggestions I believe will help you find yourself and create more win-win situations for yourself and others important in your life:

• Nurture your dreams and aspirations. 
• Believe in your ability to overcome obstacles and find your own way.
• Truly accept and embrace yourself in all its wonderfulness, quirkiness, imperfections, and fallibility.
• Live life and your relationships and work more authentically and assertively.
• Worry less and live more.
• Learn how to say no to the unreasonable demands and expectations of others.
• Be fair and reasonable in your own demands and expectations of others.
• Make healthy and adaptive choices in life, work, and relationships.

"To find yourself, think for yourself" is the quintessential mantra and anthem for the authentic self. Just remember that to think for yourself is not to act selfishly and intentionally step on the toes of others. It's about having the confidence in yourself to form your own opinions about yourself, decide what is important, valuable, and meaningful in your life, and act in your own best interest. It's about not giving in to the unfair and unjust opinions or unreasonable demands and expectations of others who believe it is their right to make your decisions and influence your opinions. The people who had placed such unreasonable demands and expectations (either intentionally or unintentionally) will soon discover that they have to let go of their power, control, and influence over you and find their own path to happiness. And those who really matter will hopefully accept, love, nurture, and respect the wonderful you.


So think for yourself so that you can truly find yourself. Be that wonderful human being who is aching and screaming to get out. And when you find yourself, embrace your SELF wholeheartedly. You will discover the beauty of living your life authentically and with a greater sense of individuality, autonomy, self-acceptance, and self-respect. And that is definitely a win-win.

Managing Stress in Stressful Times

Everyone can relate to what it feels like to be "stressed out." You probably have heard yourself say just that or that your nerves feel shot and you just can't handle anything else. We get bombarded with daily stressors that we can't avoid and feel like they ruin our day or feel almost impossible to handle. For example, when we are running late for that Monday morning meeting with the boss and we get caught in traffic, we have bills pilling up, etc. Stressors can present themselves in so many different forms. Here is a brief list of examples and how we might categorize them:

• Social stressors: Noise, crowding, physical safety and comfort of one’s surroundings, traffic, deadlines, financial / legal problems, disagreements, conflict, etc.
• Psychological stressors: Anxiety, worry, etc. 
• Psychosocial stressors: Death of a family member, spouse, or friend; divorce or separation; birth or loss of a child; etc.
• Biochemical / environmental / physiological stressors: The weather (heat, cold, and humidity), injury / pain, illness / disease, pollutants, aging, accidents, lack of exercise, poor nutrition, menopause, sleep disturbance, etc.
• Philosophical stressors: Value system conflict; lack of purpose, meaning, or direction in life; etc.
• Work stressors:  Loss or threat of loss of job; conflict with boss or co-workers; retirement (voluntary or involuntary); feeling overwhelmed by work demands and / or working long hours; feeling underwhelmed, bored, and unchallenged by not having enough work to do; having little work structure, challenge, or direction from superiors; feeling undervalued or unappreciated; lack of privacy; poor lighting, etc.

You may not necessarily know what the definition of a stressor is, but you surely recognize that at times they feel like they are getting the best of you. Some days we feel like we just want to fight with the world or pull the cover our heads and hibernate. So exactly how do we define a stressor? A quick definition of a stressor is this: Any factor or event that elicits a state of stress. Most people don't realize however is that stressors can be perceived as being good (eustress) or bad (distress). Good stressors are perceived as positive, life enhancing, and motivating. They are thought to improve one's quality of life. For example, job promotion, wedding between two people in love, birth of a child, etc. Bad stressors are perceived to be negative, feel threatening, detrimental, and demotivating. They feel like they diminish quality of life. Contrasting with the previous examples, they may be taking on additional job demands, wanting to be a runaway bride or groom before saying "I do," or the stress of becoming a new parent. 

With the examples just illustrated, can you see that they really are the same stressors, but viewed quite differently? Additionally, stressors can be real or imagined. It can feel like the sky is going to come crashing down around us even though it hasn't or the dreaded feeling you are going to get into another car accident immediately after actually being involved in one. Ultimately, it is the individual's perception, attitude, and beliefs that invariably impact the experience of stressors in a positive or negative way. This is what is called the "Stress Response" otherwise known as "Fight-or-Flight," which is the body’s innate response to stress by either confronting or avoiding the stressor experienced. The changes in your body that constitute the fight-or-flight response (although some individuals freeze and become immobilized) are meant to be a temporary overdrive system for meeting the challenge of a real threat or danger. Now this is a great survival mechanism when we are truly faced with an emergency situation, but oftentimes we tend to react as if everything is a threat or emergency. I won’t bore you with a lesson in psychophysiology here, but ultimately we go from an initial state (which I tend to refer to as "911") to a state where the body is attempting to return back to a previous level of homeostasis (i.e., the body's internal state of balance or imbalance) to an exhaustion state. When we find ourselves distressed and in stress exhaustion, we can experience this exhaustion in so many different ways.

Distress leads to dis-ease ultimately leading to maladaptation and possibly sickness, disease, or even death. For example, that initial glass of wine in the evening after work turns into drinking a fifth of vodka in the morning before work, countless sleepless nights due to tossing, turning, and worrying all night about things, becoming sick more often due to a diminished immune system, experiencing a stress-induced heart attack, etc. Additionally, stress exhaustion can impact so many different areas of our lives . . . physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and negatively place strain on our relationships with family, partners, friends, and other significant others.So, the question is, how do we take better care of ourselves when faced with inevitable stressors? Great question and certainly easier said than done. However, here are some quick tips to consider:

• Find time to incorporate play, leisure, and recreation in your life.
• Look at areas of your life where you feel out of balance and what stressors you may be able to reduce or eliminate in your life.
• Practice mindful, in-the-moment living rather than focusing on perceived failures or fear of the future and the unknown.
• Consider learning and practicing meditation or yoga. Begin to engage and maintain some regular and moderate exercise program.
• Remain productive in work and daily responsibilities and find value in the work you do.
• Spend time with people you care about and who care about you.
• Practice good health habits such as keeping reasonable sleep / wake times.
• Find ways to create more purpose, meaning, and direction in your life.
• Practice an attitude of gratitude each morning when you wake up, throughout the day, and in the evenings before bed.

Again, much easier said than done. However, just get started. Don’t give yourself excuses to not make your health and well-being a top priority. You’ll feel more empowered and in control as a result.

Awareness . . . The First Step to Change

As a therapist, I am a firm believer that awareness is the first step to change. As I oftentimes tell clients, we do not learn by luck or being struck by lightening. We do however learn through experience and observation. I'm not speaking of casual experiences and haphazard observations, but the gritty, get-your-hands-dirty, dig-down deep, here-and-now, present-centered, moment-by-moment kind.


Unfortunately, we tend to go about our daily lives treating our experiences with a bit of disregard and our relationships with significant others for granted. Quite frankly, we lose sight of the bigger picture and what we still have in our lives as well as the little things that make our experiences richer, more vibrant, and more alive. We tend to neglect being fully present in our daily tasks, responsibilities, and interactions with others. We tend to fret over things in the past including past mistakes and regrets and old past wounds. Additionally, we tend to live too far in the future, anticipating preconceived disappointments and our worlds falling apart. When we live in the past or present, it is impossible to appreciate this very moment in time.


However, when we become more aware, we can appreciate the nuts and bolts of daily life and are better equipped to find value in such experiences. It helps us to get more in touch and in tune with ourselves as well as more in touch and in tune with those around us. It helps us to discover greater meaning, purpose, and direction in our lives. It helps us to appreciate others and value our relationships with them, even when they are not "perfect." For example, when is the last time you really stopped to smell the roses? Not just figuratively, but literally. Try it and you'll see what I mean. Really study the color, texture, and wonderful smell the rose embodies and evokes. Your thoughts will slow down, your worries will melt away, your heart will begin to beat more slowly, your blood pressure will lower, your muscles will begin to relax, and you will begin to appreciate THAT very moment you just experienced, even when there are still stressors and conflict in your life. As insignificant as that may sound, trust me, just try it. Seize that moment, take that opportunity, and appreciate everything about the experience. And if you prick your finger on a thorn, find the value in it as well and don't worry or fret about it. Don't discount the positive moment you just experienced. YOU are the one smelling the rose while everyone else around you is rushing about their day mindlessly (i.e., without any awareness other than the rush and crazy stress-inducing effect of life's demands). And, without awareness, you essentially willingly neglect what you can learn and grow from in those here-and-now experiences, both good and bad.


So the lesson here is simple in concept, but can be certainly challenging to implement. However, even if you are aware 50% more in your life, that is better than being completely going about life mindlessly and haphazardly. Again, awareness is the first step to change and is indeed an opportunity to grow and change. Get in better touch with yourself, your experiences, and those around you. Check out your attitude and perceptions about yourself, others, and the world around you. Stop just existing and going through the motions and begin to really live your life in this very moment. And go beyond this to do the same in your roles, responsibilities, and relationships you may have previously neglected, been frustrated with, and / or taken for granted.So stop and smell the roses and seize the little moments in life when they present themselves to you. You'll appreciate the fact that you did.

The Greatest Predictor of Divorce

I recently asked on my Wake Forest Mind and Health Facebook fan page the following question: "Which of the following do you believe are the greatest predictors of divorce?" Sixteen individuals answered the poll. Seven people said that "withdrawing from your partner" is the greatest predictor of divorce while 3 people said "being critical of one another," and 1 person answered "contempt towards your partner." No one selected "acting defensive when there is conflict" and 5 selected "all of the above."


In my work with couples, I find that when they first come in they clearly demonstrate ALL of these behaviors towards one another. They sit on opposite sides of the couch as if they can't get far enough away from each other, but are at least present together for the session. They are critical of one another and defensive and often make blaming / victim statements at the beginning of couples therapy such as "you always," "you never," etc. instead of sharing responsibility for the problems in their marriage. When there is a perceived victim, there is a perceived persecutor and both partners seem to trade these 2 roles with one another often and frequently. After all, it does take 2 to tango, right? Both partners have choice in how they respond and react to one another. Both can either approach their problems in their relationship as if they are 2 children fighting on the playground or like 2 reasonable adults trying to help each other feel comforted, understood, and supported. When they engage in these behaviors, contempt for another becomes so apparent in their relationship. They resent each other and there is some regret as well. Expectations are often set too high where the other partner is bound to fail. You probably have heard that expectations (especially unreasonable and unrealistic ones) are simply just premeditated resentments. And we all have probably been guilty of this at one time or another in our partner relationships.


John Gottman, PhD of the Gottman Relationship Institute who is a well-respected researcher and national presenter on marriage, describes the above possible answer choices in this poll as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." In Dr. Gottman's research, he found that contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce. Not at all surprising to me, especially in my work with couples when they arrive together for their first session.


Unfortunately, not every couple can mend and heal their relationship. Divorce is inevitable for some, especially when one already decided that they want out of the relationship. However, it's a joy as a therapist to see the contempt for one another fade into support, respect, compassion, tenderness, and understanding towards one another. Their body language changes and they gradually start sitting closer together on the couch. Scowls, words, and tone shift and soften. They trade their verbal barbs and defensive posture for attention, appreciation, and affection. Dr. Gottman suggests that couples should work on providing 5 positives (e.g., "I really appreciate you putting the kids toys away," "Thank you for surprising me with . . .") to every negative expressed towards their partner. 


I also tell each partner to stop using absolutistic "You" statements such as I mentioned above and oftentimes have to coach them in their communication towards each other. Both partners start taking responsibility not just for their issues and inevitable conflict, but also for the positive that becomes more evident in their work in and outside of session. They realize that, despite conflict which is inevitable, realistic, and even healthy, that their thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes shape their perception of one another. I frequently tell clients that life is 10% reality. It's the other 90% how we perceive it to be which directly relates to our attitude. No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. Infatuation fades after approximately a year and the real love, honesty, and vulnerability with each other can begin. Both partners need to not only feel physically safe, but emotionally safe as well.


For more information, check out Dr. Gottman, his work, and couples workshops at http://www.gottman.com/.