Break the Blame Game Cycle

Vince Lombardi, former coach of the Green Bay Packers, once said "It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.” We get knocked down a lot in life, but have the tenancy to skirt responsibility for how we react to conflict with others and blame them for how we feel and how we react. We blame co-workers, the boss, parents, our spouse or significant other, etc. for "ruining" our day. We also have the nasty tendency to speculate and make assumptions about the intentions of others and anticipate when they are going to "wrong" or hurt us next. We tend to approach life with a victim mentality instead understanding that we have choice in and responsibility for how we respond and react. We wear our wounds and fears on our sleeves and let it dictate our life and relationships. We let our ego, pride, fear, and hurt get in the way and either lash out at others or withdraw from them. As a result of constantly seeking the acceptance or approval of others and the fear of being punished, rejected, or abandoned, we lose ourselves and chasms get formed in our important personal and work relationships.

In our relationships, whether they be work or personal, we need to take the ego or "I" out of it and approach our relationships in the "we" instead. We need to put down the battle axes and stop the "I'm right, you're wrong" blame game and connect more on a "I'm human, you're human, and we are imperfect but okay" level. When in conflict, it's important that we work at seeking to understand what go triggered not just inside you, but also inside the other person. Talk about feelings instead of the problem. Focus on strategies to help create more win-win situations. Also, take responsibility for your reaction to conflict and stressful events and work to be more assertive within yourself and with others. Being assertive is basically stating your wants and needs in a way that does not intentionally steps on the toes of others. It’s about being proactive and not reactive and being able to look back down the road without regret regarding how you responded to the situation and to others.

Get out of the box and chose hope and love over hurt, fear, and anger. This includes love of self and of others. Hope and love have no boundaries whereas fear, despair, and anger, although seemingly comfortable or familiar, keep you stuck. Try not to place labels on yourself or on others and work hard at not blaming and admonishing others for your emotional reaction to things or divert responsibility in how your respond. And certainly don’t do things just to please others. And learn that it is okay to say “no” occasionally. People who fail to do so oftentimes compromise their values and end up feeling taken advantage of and unappreciated which leads to feelings of resentment and regret. Set reasonable expectations for yourself and others. And be more compassionate towards yourself and others when you feel disappointed.

Practice patience, tolerance, forgiveness, and acceptance of yourself and of others. And learn to forgive others when you feel they have wronged you. Also, learn to let go of things that are beyond your control. And, if something seems “broken” or beyond your control, do what you can about it, make peace with it, accept it, and move on. Letting go is also important if you chose to remain in situations or relationships which are frustrating to you. Only you have control over how you feel and cope with difficult situations. Only you are responsible for your own happiness.

Here are some other important reminders when it comes to dealing with conflict and living your life and relationships more assertively:

1. Be a productive, contributing member of your household. Learn to ask for help when you need it and to delegate to others when appropriate.
2. Practice an attitude of gratitude toward others and be giving of yourself, time, and energy to others.
3. Help to empower yourself by being your own best cheerleader and coach when times are tough and you feel alone, misunderstood, unaccepted, or unappreciated.
4. Have the courage to grow and change and fall in love with the change.
5. Attention, appreciation, acceptance, and affection go a long way. Be the first to give them and do so “just because.” You never know how the gift of “you” and being “present” with others might help heal old emotional wounds and improve the quality of your relationships.
6. Enthusiasm goes a long way and is very contagious. But don’t wait for others to exhibit it. Start with yourself, be the “change agent,” and maybe others will catch on and share in your enthusiasm.
7. Broadening your resources and support system is a life-long process. Don’t limit yourself with perceived minimal resources. Create as many choices and opportunities for yourself as possible. Allow yourself to connect with others, improve old relationships that can be mended and develop new meaningful connections with others.
8. Practice good self-care and nurture what is important to you and helps you to feel productive and provide meaning, connection, and direction in your life. Individuals who feel good about themselves tend to be more forgiving, more compassionate, more tolerant, more accepting, less negative, and less angry towards life and others.

So to follow along in the great words of Vince Lombardi, even when you feel you get knocked down in life and in your relationships, get back up, brush yourself off, make a conscious decision to not play the blame game, and take charge and responsibility for your emotional well-being. Be good to yourself and others.