Resiliency in the Face of Adversity

Wow, with the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, November and December flew right by. So, I am obviously a bit behind in my monthly blog posts. However, as I reflect on the New Year and blog topics I want to share with you, I have been thinking a lot about writing about factors I believe are essential in developing greater resiliency to life, work, and relationships. Helping clients develop greater resiliency in their personal lives, work, and relationships is quite fundamental in my work as a therapist.

I was actually just talking about resiliency yesterday with a client who has had a few significant challenges she has had to face over the past few years. We talked about the 3 bouts of depression she experienced with each major event. The first bout was pretty intense and debilitating. I used the following metaphor with her that she to which she could really relate:

• The first bout of depression she fell into was like a major hole. She knew what the major stressor was, but she did not recognize at the time how she got there or even how to climb out of it.
• When the second depressive episode occurred, she once again fell into the hole, but the hole this time around was a bit smaller. That is, she was at least able to recognize how she fell into her depression, but still struggled with knowing how to get out of it.
• With this last bout, again not as intense or severe as the previous two episodes, she was able to recognize not only how she fell into it, but also through our work together how to help herself climb out of it. I refer to this as “When you fall into a hole, throw yourself a lifeline and climb out of it.” She continues to deal with some ongoing depressive symptoms, but she recognizes how much stronger and more resilient she has become which helps her to feel empowered and in control . . . In control not necessarily of the event itself, but her response to it.

Here are the main ingredients I believe are absolutely key in developing greater resiliency when facing life challenges and difficulties:

1. The event itself. Believe it or not, we actually need some stress in our lives as we don't grow by doing easy things and being unchallenged in our lives. You may not have asked for the situation you are facing, but it is a fact and a reality.
2. View the event as a challenge and an opportunity for growth, not a barrier.
3. Not believing yourself to be a victim even if you may have actually been "victimized" by the event or by others. Hold onto any ounce of hope you have about making it through and trust that you are stronger than your fear or hurt!
4. Work hard at being more in the here-and-now to help you be fully present and engaged. When we focus on negativistic beliefs, old wounds, and hurts or fear of the future or of failure, we fail to see the opportunities we have in front of us to be empowered and to grow.
5. Focus on and reinforce "I can" and "I will" statements rather than "I can't" or "I'm too scared or too _______" messages. Believe in your ability to not only survive the event, but to thrive and grow from it. Saying "I can't" simply and ultimately means "I won't."
6. Focus on finding and creating solutions and strategies and not on the problem itself. When we focus on solutions and strategies, we can answer more of the question “How” as it helps us take responsibility for how we feel and how we handle the situation and to be more proactive, adaptive, and engaged. When we focus more on the problem and questions of “Why,” we tend to become paralyzed, disempowered, and reactive. Asking oneself the question “What can I do to help myself overcome and grow from this experience?” is far more empowering than asking the question “Why did this happen to me?”
7. Implement good self-care and healthy, adaptive coping techniques to help mitigate and manage the effect of stress experienced. 
8. Practice patience with yourself as you implement the coping and problem-solving tools you need to get to the other side, persistence as you work to get there, and perseverance even when you feel you have taken a few steps backwards.

Regardless of whether or not you want to give up or feel frustrated, hurt, scared, discouraged, or disappointed, never give up hope. Hope is yours and no one can take that away from you. No matter what, hold your head up, shoulders back, eyes focused, be present and engaged, and take on the day or the challenge faced. With each new day and with each new challenge, there is opportunity, whether it is an opportunity to practice patience and compassion towards ourselves and others or anything else that can help us to grow and become more adaptive and resilient in our lives. And in the immortal words of others who have traveled the road before us:

• “When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
• “If you are going through hell, keep going.” ~ Winston Churchill
• “Energy and persistence conquer all things.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
• “It always seems impossible until it’s done.” ~ Nelson Mandela
• “Never, never, never, never give up.” ~ Winston Churchill