For this month's blog, on this Halloween, it seems apropos to ask the following question . . . Why is it that we love to be scared at Halloween, but want to avoid what scares us the rest of the year? We go to haunted houses, we watch scary movies, and tell horror stories because, at this time of the year, it's "fun." However, what about inviting and encouraging an honest and diligent examination of the fears we face on a daily basis?
Fear can be defined as an emotion that is triggered by some perceived threat, whether real or imagined, whereby we either want to fight, run, or freeze in our tracks. I won't go into detail here regarding specific phobias and avoidant behaviors like being afraid of spiders or snakes, but we tend to shy away from many different things in life that cause us stress, anxiety, and fear.
As a human being and as a clinician, I believe that everything is an opportunity for growth and we grow by facing what scares us. Regardless if it's fear of the unknown or the future, fear of failure, fear of relationship loss or being abandoned, fear of being judged or evaluated, fear of home or work responsibilities, fear of loss of control . . . fear is fear. Although there may be some validity to the feeling of fear itself, a lot of it relates to our thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and perceptions of whatever is being faced by the individual. It is between the ears and felt viscerally throughout our bodies.
I remember as a kid at Camp Hanes, a summer YMCA camp at the base of Sauratown Mountain in NC, our camp director Glenn took us on a hike to the top of mountain. I loved to hike as a kid and hiking to the top of the mountain was one of my favorite things to do at Camp Hanes. I remember the first time I went on that annual summer hike, I was 11 years old and the rest of the campers also climbed the top of the mountain overlook tower which was a number of stories high and made entirely of wood. Climbing the tower with the rest of the campers was extremely frightening to me at first glance and my biggest fear, the fear of heights, had become so clearly and painfully apparent to me at that moment.
All the other kids bound up the tower as if they had done it a thousand times before like it was a piece of cake. However, I was the last kid left standing on flat, safe, lonely ground. I remember initially feeling too scared to climb the tower and I started out by telling myself that I couldn't do it. I believed I was too weak and felt too afraid to make that climb. However, I also could hear in the back of my mind my father's voice, encouraging and cheering me on, telling me that I could do it. My father has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders and coaches in life. Hearing internally his voice of encouragement, I began by putting one foot on the first step and already started to hyperventilate. I didn't let myself chicken out though and I was determined to conquer that tower and my fear that day. I slowly made the climb, but had to stop several times along the way . . . legs trembling, hands sweaty, breathing rapid and shallow, mind racing, almost blinded by fear. I finally made it to the top of the tower. At 11 years old I was standing on top of a tall, wooden, multi-story overlook tower looking out on this magnificent view of the mountain and looking down below of my beloved Camp Hanes. It seemed like it took forever to get up to the top of the tower and I most certainly was the very last kid to make it to the top landing. However, I did it. If I didn't face my fear of heights head on that day, it would have taken me longer to conquer my fear and I wouldn't have been able to experience that wonderful view of the mountain range only experienced by other tower climbers, birds, and hang gliders. In fact, perhaps if I hadn't made the conscious choice to face my fear of heights that day, I would have continued to talk myself into other missed opportunities in my youth and young adult. Even as a therapist, there are still some things that scare me. However, since that fateful day, I have faced many other fears I have had to encounter in life, and actively work on seeing those challenges as opportunities for growth.
As you may be able to tell by now, as a human being and therapist, regardless of what we face in life, I truly believe that anything and everything in life that may illicit a state of fear or anxiety is an opportunity for growth. Although we may actually be a victim or innocent bystander to situations faced, we have the choice to exist in life as victims to circumstances faced or we can meet them squarely on so that we can live and thrive despite them and because of them. It is in our power to accept that challenge and to see those times as a choice and opportunity to get out of our comfort zone and grow. Whether it's the fear of public speaking, intimacy, conflict, roller coaster rides, climbing wooden multi-story mountain overlook towers, or anything else, we choose in that moment to either face it head on or avoid it all together.
Much of facing or avoiding our fears has so much to do with what is between our ears . . . our thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and perceptions to it. We have become conditioned to either respond assertively and proactively or to react with fear by running, avoiding, or freezing. We learn how to respond or react by the rules and rules we are taught by our parents, caregivers, friends, and other significant forces and we tend to reindoctrinate those beliefs and rules into our adulthood, even the faulty ones. If you believe you can't face something scary or challenging, you won't. If you are afraid you are going to fail at something, you may be so paralyzed by the fear that you inadvertently create what you may have heard as being a "self-fulfilling prophecy." There is intentionality behind our thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and perceptions. If you believe you can do something, you will be more likely and better equipped to conquer it. Positivity goes a long way, but negativity stops us in our tracks. I have heard it said once before that optimists are twice as likely to look for the horizon and pessimists give up because they continue to operate that the horizon doesn't exist or is too difficult to find.
Remember, as you have read before in my previous blog posts, fear and courage are two sides of the same coin. One cannot exist without the other. In order to appreciate courage, we must appreciate our fears and face them directly, backed by the belief and conviction that we can overcome them . . . One step at a time in this precious moment. Trust that you can face your fears and work to see challenges faced in life as opportunities for growth. Even if you can't change some things about the situation you may be facing, you do have the power to manage your reaction to the stressor rather than letting the fear get the best of you.
Until next month . . . Happy Halloween and best wishes for good scares, personal growth, peace of mind, and good health.
