I recently asked on my Wake Forest Mind and Health Facebook fan page the following question: "Which of the following do you believe are the greatest predictors of divorce?" Sixteen individuals answered the poll. Seven people said that "withdrawing from your partner" is the greatest predictor of divorce while 3 people said "being critical of one another," and 1 person answered "contempt towards your partner." No one selected "acting defensive when there is conflict" and 5 selected "all of the above."
In my work with couples, I find that when they first come in they clearly demonstrate ALL of these behaviors towards one another. They sit on opposite sides of the couch as if they can't get far enough away from each other, but are at least present together for the session. They are critical of one another and defensive and often make blaming / victim statements at the beginning of couples therapy such as "you always," "you never," etc. instead of sharing responsibility for the problems in their marriage. When there is a perceived victim, there is a perceived persecutor and both partners seem to trade these 2 roles with one another often and frequently. After all, it does take 2 to tango, right? Both partners have choice in how they respond and react to one another. Both can either approach their problems in their relationship as if they are 2 children fighting on the playground or like 2 reasonable adults trying to help each other feel comforted, understood, and supported. When they engage in these behaviors, contempt for another becomes so apparent in their relationship. They resent each other and there is some regret as well. Expectations are often set too high where the other partner is bound to fail. You probably have heard that expectations (especially unreasonable and unrealistic ones) are simply just premeditated resentments. And we all have probably been guilty of this at one time or another in our partner relationships.
John Gottman, PhD of the Gottman Relationship Institute who is a well-respected researcher and national presenter on marriage, describes the above possible answer choices in this poll as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." In Dr. Gottman's research, he found that contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce. Not at all surprising to me, especially in my work with couples when they arrive together for their first session.
Unfortunately, not every couple can mend and heal their relationship. Divorce is inevitable for some, especially when one already decided that they want out of the relationship. However, it's a joy as a therapist to see the contempt for one another fade into support, respect, compassion, tenderness, and understanding towards one another. Their body language changes and they gradually start sitting closer together on the couch. Scowls, words, and tone shift and soften. They trade their verbal barbs and defensive posture for attention, appreciation, and affection. Dr. Gottman suggests that couples should work on providing 5 positives (e.g., "I really appreciate you putting the kids toys away," "Thank you for surprising me with . . .") to every negative expressed towards their partner.
I also tell each partner to stop using absolutistic "You" statements such as I mentioned above and oftentimes have to coach them in their communication towards each other. Both partners start taking responsibility not just for their issues and inevitable conflict, but also for the positive that becomes more evident in their work in and outside of session. They realize that, despite conflict which is inevitable, realistic, and even healthy, that their thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes shape their perception of one another. I frequently tell clients that life is 10% reality. It's the other 90% how we perceive it to be which directly relates to our attitude. No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. Infatuation fades after approximately a year and the real love, honesty, and vulnerability with each other can begin. Both partners need to not only feel physically safe, but emotionally safe as well.
For more information, check out Dr. Gottman, his work, and couples workshops at http://www.gottman.com/.
